The Best ‘Bachelor In Paradise’ Finale Recap You’ll Ever Read: The Last Day Of Amanda’s Childless Vacation
Well fam, we did it. We stirred it to the finale of and all it took was one sexuality ed class from Chris Harrison, a crudely mishandled sexual assault allegation, the downfall of Dean, and more scallops jokes than were really necessary. BUT WE FUCKING DID IT. I feel like I’ve aged 20 years in the process and my liver has definitely taken a make here, but I guess I’ll do anything
for make to watch reality TV spurns fornicate on a Mexican beach, even if it imperils my health and wellness. It’s important to know yourself.
Side note: I have now convinced my roommate–and her German pals from out of city staying with us this week–to watch this depict. I’m genuinely attaining paces with US-German relations here. Just call me a fucking ambassador.
Anyway, the episode begin with Chris Harrison
emulating my mother when she asks about my love life at massive family gleans requesting the remaining cast members to define their relationships. He’s really taking his responsibility as host to the next fucking level.
^^ Actual footage of Chris Harrison in Paradise rn
Dean seems legitimately terrified at the thought of wedlock even though scarcely three months ago he was going to PROPOSE to Rachel. Whatever.
Lol I adore how Chris just dips after dropping this fact bomb. Like, if you want to stay in Mexico and have semi-decent accommodations with free WiFi and actual walls for your chamber then you’ll is a requirement to 100 percent commit to this person you’ve been dry-humping all summer. Can’t wait to watch these people implode under that kind of pressure.
So let me get this straight. Basically their choices are: go on a date to figure out exactly what we, leave as a couple, or get engaged? That’s what you’re telling me rn? ABC, have you SEEN the men you forced these dime parts to socialize with? Have you ?!
Jesus Christ. I rest my fucking case.
Lacey be the first time that one
on the chopping block to be vulnerable. She asks Daniel if he’ll go on this date with her so they can continue to see where this blight upon humanity relationship goes. I’m watching this whole interaction and all I can think is, Daniel has all the makings of someone that should be attractive but yet instead constructs me wishes to rend my fingernails off and claw my eyes out with the bloody stumps. Ya know?
LACEY : strong> I’m truly, actually, REALLY < ten-strike> desperate enjoying my period with you. Will you go on this date with me?
DANIEL : strong> I’m not done with you yet. You still haven’t appreciated the fireworks in my pants.
Jack Stone goes next. He draws Christen aside and questions her to be his lover because apparently this is the eighth fucking grade. Severely though, am I watching or an chapter of? It’s candidly hard to tell.
JACK STONE : strong> I want to leave Mexico holding hands with you.
CHRISTEN : strong> lol
Wow this conversation is not going well at all. Jack Stone deters brought forward by the hand maintaining thing and Christen searches genuinely alarmed that he thinks he can even breathe the same breath as her once they get back to the States.
“Does he think we have a love story? ” — Christen for the fucking win right here.
* slow claps* That’s it, I’m team #ScallopFingers forever. Honestly, I’ve never been more proud of a innocent who can’t drive.
My German pal after sitting through barely 15 times of this depict: I guessed there’d be more nudity.
Honestly, you’re not wrong. Same.
Adam and Raven decide to also go on the date. Adam looks shook that anyone would want to sleep with him. Aw, Adam, give yourself some more credit! All Raven’s got to compare you to is Nick!
It’s Dean and D-Lo’s turn to DTR and I don’t know if emotionally I can treat watching these two life ruiners ride off into the fucking sunset for a happy pointing. I only don’t know if I can stomach it–WAIT. Did he merely dump D-Lo ?? FOR KRISTINA ??
I. AM. SHOOK.
Dean deters talking about how he fucked up and he misses Kristina and all I can think is 😛 TAGEND
Side note: Does Danielle L have butterflies tattooed on her the backs of her ankles? She does, right? And it’s all are now beginning to make sense now.
Last but surely least, we have Amanda and Robby, a couple I do not give one single shit about. They have their talk and Amanda wholly breaks down at the thought of having to expend the rest of her life with Robby and his Instagram followers. And, like, same girlfriend. That sounds terrifying.
ROBBY : strong> I simply don’t understand. Why would you do this?
AMANDA : strong> Honestly, this was just a paying vacation away from my kids. Don’t push it.
THE FANTASY SUITE DATE
The three remaining pairs sit down with Chris Harrison and are told that this isn’t merely any date they’ll be going on, but a fantasy suite date. So no more dressing in drag or hot tamale eating races, the casting members will actually have to, like, connect with each other tonight. Wow. This show is wild.
Everyone pretends to be scandalized by this news but, like, let’s not pretend that y’all haven’t been screwing on sand dunes all summer long. Please.
Lacey professes her desire for Daniel and he’s like, “yes let’s make this Facebook official.” And they say intrigue is dead. Tbh this is the first time I haven’t been fully disturbed by Daniel’s presence. You’ve truly changed him, Lacey.
Next we get to see Derek and Taylor’s date even though I totally forgot that these two were on the demonstrate. They’re truly establishing lasting impressions here. Taylor says something about shall be required to
emotionally and spiritually connect with Derek bang him before they can prosecute something more serious.
GERMAN FRIEND: Did I get the language right? Did she just say if the sex is good they can officially date?
Yes, yes you did.
Adam and Raven have their date and Adam pops the fantasy suite question. You can literally realize Nick and his sexless turtleneck burst before Raven’s eyes. She’s v nervous about saying yes to the fiction suite because she
can’t fake an orgasm be vulnerable one more time.
AFTER THE FINAL
TEQUILA SHOT ROSE
Okay this segue from Raven and Adam’s date to the tell-all portion is really hurling me off. I’m feeling v mystified rn. Did Raven sleep with Adam? Why is this a cliff hanger? Who is responsible for cutting the footage of this episode ?? ANSWER ME, ABC.
Of course the sex crime scandal is STILL being talked about. Like we get it, ABC. You don’t want us to morally accuse you for devastating two people’s lives for TV ratings. Your message is loud and clear.
Chris brings out DeMario and Corinne for the world’s most awkward reunion.
CHRIS HARRISON : strong> So where do you go from here?
DEMARIO: Well I’m going to therapy.
CORINNE: I am also in therapy.
Thanks, ABC! I feel SO much better about these two now !! It’s good to know they’re doing so well!
Tbh I could give a shit about the rest of these losers but this whole Kristina-Dean-DLo thing?
They set Dean in the “hot seat” and he gazes low-key panicked. Like he knows that every woman in the audience was intended to castrate him rn. Side note: can Chris Harrison put other people’s exes in the hot seat? Questioning for a friend…
They testify the whole Kristina-Dean-DLo love triangle footage and it’s still super hard to watch. Hard to watch in the sense that if I continue to watching it I cannot be held responsible for my actions. Just saying.
DEAN : strong>* sobs watching the montage*
GERMAN Friend: He is an actor, yes?
Kristina retains talking about how she will ever love Dean and blah, blah, blah. She will 100 percentage still bang him after this.
Dean commits a very sincere lecture about how he still enjoys Kristina. He’s tearing up, I’m tearing up. The more wine I chug, the more I’m willing to forgive Dean and give him another chance. Kristina is one lucky bitch. Dean is reformed. Dean is beautiful. Dean is perfect , no male will ever measure up to how amazingly Dean has proven himself toda–WAIT. Danielle L says the FIRST interesting thing she has ever said on this prove when she calls out Dean for calling her an hour after leaving the appearance. One. Fucking. Hour. AND HE’S STILL TRYING TO GET WITH KRISTINA.
That’s it. You’re done. Cancelled. Realise you in hell, Deanie Babies.
And because ABC likes to waste my hour, they also bring out Robby and Amanda. They were supposedly dating outside of the depict for Instagram likes but broke up since they are “wanted different things.” Like, Robby wanted to respond to thots’ notes on Instagram and Amanda wanted to have a
father figure free babysitter for her kids.
Satan’s spawn the twins are desperately trying to stay relevant by butting in every three fucking seconds into Amanda’s breakup story. Robby apparently cheated on Amanda after the testify and we know this because the twins retained the receipts and are ready to blow up his smudge on national television. The twins are like that pal who will key your ex’s vehicle even though you’re the one that got cheated on , not them.
Wait. The twins are me. I am the twins.
Now we get to move on to the actual pairs. Daniel and Lacey did not make it past the fantasize suites. Apparently Daniel couldn’t pretend to like Lacey for more than five seconds after hooking up. In other news, the sky is blue.
CHRIS HARRISON : strong> Why would you say you adored Lacey if you didn’t signify it?
DANIEL : strong>* looks at Lacey* I said I loved you? When?
And just like that, I’m repulsed again. Goddamnit, Daniel.
So I guess Raven and Adam slept together? She looks like she actually had an orgasm too. Good for you, girl. I guess all it takes to find true love is
a boob job an open intellect and an open heart.
Derek and Taylor prove that they are the strongest couple on this testify. Derek. And Taylor. Let that sink in for a minute, k?
Whatever. I guess Derek < strike> has a big enough dick connected with her on a deeper level in that fantasy suite because they’re still in love and building it operate long distance.
Taylor deters talking about how “naked” and “vulnerable” Derek was that night and I 100 percentage belief Taylor has a crying fetish. She clearly gets off on the tears of her fans. Don’t is an attempt tell me different.
The season ends with Derek proposing to Taylor. It’s all very
staged sweet but honestly all I can think is “I actually hope a twin comes out and says she slept with him.” Where’s a twin when you need one.