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Come Watch The First-Ever Online Television!

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Television is Americas box.

Its where that grand old dame we call Life struts her material around in circles for all to see, and sometimes at night. You can turn on a Tv and see wonders like the status of women scratching her way out of a preschool, or Alan Dershowitz passed out nude on a sandbar.

Cheers . Applauds: Uprising . Mozart In The Jungle . Mozart In The Jungle: Uprising . These are just a few of the TV shows that there are, and more!

Nobody knows how we got Tv, but thank almighty God we did.

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But theres one thing Tv “ve never” done, and its this 😛 TAGEND

Been watched, by you, online, here, right now, with performers including but not is restricted to Blaine and Genna, for you, eternally .

Please confirm.

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Well, welcome to the worlds first-ever Online Television !

Using Digital Methods, personal computers has already become televisions merely mansion, and its not “re going away”, because we smacked a stake through the heart of old television using a three wood.

For watching-TV purposes, you are Virtua-Roger.

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Meet Virtua-Roger!

  • Medical student analyse Human Arm at Big State Central Downtown University
  • Loved nacho-esque foods and becoming dry
  • Exactly one penis
  • Did not give up his physical body willingly

Today, Virtua-Rodger is a straw for you to occupy, for television.

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Lets travel! Weve got the closed captioning all fixed up nice now for you, and the sees cant be beat. What canal do you want to watch?

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What do you want to watch?

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Thanks for watching! We hope you loved the appearances and the sickly perception of occupying Virtua-Roger. Hes going back to his Virtua-Tent for a well-deserved meal of Cyber-Gruel and Digi-Gruel! Never forget what you saw here today.

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BZZZT .

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STERN VOICE: Lonely? Extremely lonely? A human tumbleweed in a dusty ditch? You could be entitled to friendship from real, bar-certified lawyers!

At the law agencies of Balsam, Schwartz& Balsam-Schwartz, we specialize in get YOU the pleasant corporation YOU deserve from OUR highly trained solicitors. They WILL not leave your back, they WILL not touch you, and they WILL not give you legal counsel! Professional solicitors can be in YOUR dwelling or auto within hours, smelling like DRY-ERASE MARKERS , ready for YOUR form to see THEIR form through BIOELECTROMAGNETICS .

Call NOW to get a free consultation, or merely to chat!

Balsam, Schwartz& Balsam-Schwartz: Wed Die For You.

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BZZZT .

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TRUSTWORTHY VOICE: You can trust BETH.

Shes proven herself in the boardroom, to executives.

Shes proven herself in a parking lot, to cars.

Shes ready to roll up her sleeves and get filth on her forearms, and she knows it!

She formerly got a tooth knocked out when a crow winged into her, but she simply popped it right back in. Thats pretty cool!

Wherever you go, you can rest assured knowing Beths been there first, and left a little plastic figurine behind for you to find.

Dont think too hard-boiled about it: Its Beth .

( Paid for by the Committee to Ensure That Its Beth .)

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BZZZT .

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EXCITABLE VOICE: Six hundred dollars! Six hundred dollars!

Its never been this many dollars before, and it may never again!

Youve experienced four hundred dollars. Youve suffered nine hundred dollars. But six hundred? No style! How could you have ?! When would you have ?!

Come on down, because its six hundred dollars, right now! Get down here , now! Six hundred dollars! Now!

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BZZZT .

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RUSTIC VOICE: When you booze Gershwins Grape Slurry, youre not only booze juice, pulp, and chips. Youre drinking juice, pulp, record, chips, and tradition.

Way back during history, our founder, Buck Gershwin, discovered his famous grape slurry when his grape silo collapsed, mailing sweet, opaque slurry inundating through the county.

Today, we stir our Gershwins Grape Slurry the exact same course: by loading a decompose silo full of soft grapes and letting it buckle.

Is it easy? No mode. Is it sustainable? Well see. But is it worth it? Thats frankly hard to determine.

So pour yourself a glass and raise it to the illumination. Because when you discover the mulch, youll is well aware real Gershwins slurry.

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BZZZT .

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UNTRUSTWORTHY VOICE: How much do “weve been” know about BETH?

Sometimes when she talks, we think about interesting thing: whether melons are a wintertime flower, and how our kitchen would look with a kitchen island. Should that REALLY be happening?

Beth doesnt own much artbut art can be a nice thing to own. Somethings not adding up.

Her pinkies seem weird. How do they deflect?

We didnt learn about shark migration structures from Beth. We learned about them from our Encarta encyclopedia CD-ROM. What else isnt she telling us?

And is she even all that tall? Theres no way to be sure.

Face it: When the time comes to Beth, were all in the dark, and who is refusing to turn on one of her proprietary, patent-pending, flashlights? Its Beth.

Enough already. Its time to kill Beth .

( Pay money by the Council on Should Beth Live Y/ N .)

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BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT .

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[ One overaggressive cornet play-acts an extremely fucked-up and halting version of Reveille .]

ANNOUNCER: Iiiiiiiiiiiits < i> You Got A Problem ? with Biff Little!

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BIFF: This is exhausting. This whole thing is exhausting.

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BIFF: I get done with this, I go home, my wife wants to talk to me. I just tune her out. It feels like if I search her in the eyes and open my mouth Ill start crying and never stop. I stir lemon squares instead. I dont even eat them.

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BIFF: Our contenders today are Maisie, the mama endure from Minnetonka

MAISIE: Biff, this is a dream come true.

BIFF: Please dont be participating in me.

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BIFF: Weve get Gregg, the not-so-nutty professor. Gregg, whats your bargain?

GREGG: This is the only thing Ive got on my calendar for six months in either direction.

BIFF: You understand me, Gregg.

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BIFF: And weve still got a camera feed upon Lou, but nobody has any mind where he is. Lou, if you can hear me, stay put. Weve called the fire department and a couple neighbourhood empaths, and well figure this one out.

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BIFF: Maisie, Gregg, are you ready to play You Got A Problem?

MAISIE: Biff, absolutely.

GREGG: Yes, but Ill have to feed the meter in 20 minutes.

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BIFF: All right, then. Maisie, youre up first. You got a problem?

MAISIE: I dunno, you got a problem?

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BIFF: You got a fucking problem?

MAISIE: Quit fucking staring at me, or we got a problem.

BIFF: You got some kinda problem?

MAISIE: You heard what I said.

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BIFF: So youre mentioning we got a problem?

MAISIE: I supposed, you heard what I said.

BIFF: Amble away.

MAISIE: Walk away, asshole.

BIFF: You walk away or the jokers coming out to play.

MAISIE: Walk away, or were dancing.

BIFF: Tread away.

MAISIE: Stroll away.

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[ Buzzer .]

BIFF: And thats it for Maisie!

MAISIE: Howd I do?

BIFF: I dont fucking know. Gregg, youre up! Its time to play You Get A Problem ?!

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BIFF: You got a problem?

GREGG: Jesus.

BIFF: You got a problem, human?

GREGG: Leave me alone.

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BIFF: I asked you a question.

GREGG: Please stop.

BIFF: Are you deaf? I asked you a question.

GREGG: What the infernos your trouble?

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BIFF: Oh, I got a problem?

GREGG: Yeah!

BIFF: I got a problem ?!

GREGG: You do!

BIFF: Fuck you!

GREGG: Fuck me? Fuck yourself!

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[ Buzzer .]

BIFF: Well, thats it for Gregg, and Ive been told weve lost our feed on Lou, so thats likely it for Lou as well.

GREGG: That was horrible.

MAISIE: I seem tense and awful.

BIFF: I dont even get insurance for this.

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GREGG: Did anyone win?

BIFF: Of track not. Im Biff Little, and this has been You Get A Problem ? Join me next week, when Ill finally try to goad a contender into choking me out. Good night!

[ One overaggressive cornet play-acts an extremely fucked-up and halting version of Taps .]

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OLD MAN( V.O .): Itsnews. Whenever it happensthats news. Watergate, that was newsWhen they shot that deer in the indoor swimming pool and it turned out it had a animal in its stomachthat was news too.

And look at my gorgeous daughterShe has a undertaking at the station2 6 dollars an hour she makeslives like the Queen of Shebabuys herself premium cliff frost from GreenlandBut she wont been talking to menot a word…

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[ Uptempo jazz-fusion indicating the hustle and bustle of modern life.but likewise, hope for the future ?]

CLUTCH: Hi, yeah. Yes, hey, its me, its your friend Clutch Locale, the Clutch-Man himself, stumbling towards you with two heaping armfuls of my famous news.

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CLUTCH: ThatsThats right, youre absolutely right. You have a report craving that merely ol Clutch can slake.

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CLUTCH: What else kind of report are you craving?

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CLUTCH: Well, thats all the news thats fit to utter. Ive been Clutch Locale.

To close things out, we go now live to the network presidents silent son, whod like you to look at him.

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PERCY:

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PERCY: ?

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PERCY:

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[ You can hear the audio of eyelids touching and coming apart, but Clutch never blinks .]

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CLUTCH: Local news! Yeah, yeah, utterly. Right now your mayor is barreling down the freeway dragging a pinball machine behind her Malibu. Its the pinball machine she bought her son Deke for placing second in the district Oceanography Olympiad. Its Addams Family pinball because Deke is a little troll type of child. Shes dragging it behind her Malibu, sending globs of pinball machine bouncing off into the shoulder and into people windshields, because Deke forged her signature on a statute making clambered eggs officially a dessert. The police wont do anything about it because shes the mayor, and because shes got a hook in her lap that shell swipe them with. And thats neighbourhood report, from Clutch!

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CLUTCH: Dave Navarro obtained a cigarette butt in the back of his cheek when he was excavating around in his mouth with his fingers, but then he popped it right back in there. This was just the other day. I cant believe you hadnt heard about this.

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CLUTCH: If you have a barge, sell your boat. If you dont have a craft, buy two barges. If this doesnt make sense now, it will in a couple months, but for Gods sake, dont tell anyone I told you this. Theres a legal loophole that would let the SEC take my neck but leave my brain, and age-old Clutchs career couldnt removed from that.

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CLUTCH: They sure did! Person kicked over a Saudi rock and met a cluster of scrolls under there, and it turns out youre supposed to do now dunk the Bible in light beer before read it. Molson and Michelob work great. Thats just what the scrolls articulate, anyway.

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CLUTCH: Im not great. I got an X-ray and it turns out Im mostly polyps. Like 60 percent bones and 40 percentage polyps, plus scalp. Theres no epithet for that. Its justhow it is. Thats how Clutch is.

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PARTY LINE THEME MUSIC( Oh These Nights by Vim& Vigor ):

Whoa-oh!
Whoa-oh!
Whoa-oa-oa-oh!
Yeah!

Yeah!
Whoa, yeah!
These are the days
These are the nights

Whoa-oh!
Whoa-oh!
Yes!
Definitely.

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[ Music like you would toast a town skyline to .]

DIRK: WebsitesGotta be like a billion of them.

HECTOR: Yeah, and maybe you can Google one is to say where your penis and its balls are.

STUDIO AUDIENCE: Yes! Hell yes!

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DIRK: Hey, have you called into the party line yet today?

HECTOR: Not yet. Im still trying to get over this hangover.

STUDIO AUDIENCE: Hm.

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DIRK: Hangover? But we didnt booze last-place nighttime! We spoke the atlas!

HECTOR: Itsasexhangoverfrombeddingdownwithwomen

STUDIO AUDIENCE: Now thats what were talking about!

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DIRK: You dirty dog! Lets tell the party line all about it.

HECTOR: Im the filthiest pooch in all the district. Specially the inside of my mouth.

PHONE : [ Reverberating .] BrrringBrrring

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[ Buskers pickings .]

STEPPAN: And you know me, guys: One sip of heavy liquid, and Im all shoulders. Just a big ball of shoulders. No eyes or mouth.

STUDIO AUDIENCE: Thats Steppan for you. To a T.

PHONE: [ Digital interference .]

STEPPAN: Whoa, gang, looks like Dirk and Hector are phoning in with some juicy nuggets to concern ourselves with!

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BIG BART: Dirk and Hector, with that juice? Now this I gotta hear! Theres genuinely good-for-nothing like spending a barbecue on the party line!

ONE OF THREE KYLES: Ask them if Dirks mother ultimately rendered birth, like shes always been talking about.

ONE OF THREE KYLES: Tell them that One Of Three Kyles tells, Howdy.

ONE OF THREE KYLES: Im just happy to be here at all.

STUDIO AUDIENCE: God, we wish we could spend time with these people.

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THEM: Its us, together at last.

STUDIO AUDIENCE: We honestly never thought wed interpret Them all together this season. Weve been shed for, of all things, a loop.

THEM: Tell us of Dirk, and the sensuous Hector.

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[ Skrillex or some loud shit like that .]

LIMOUSINE ELMER AND HIS BACKSEAT COHORT: Blap-blap !

STUDIO AUDIENCE: Blap-blap for sure!

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ELOUISE: I cant wait to tell my child the next twist and turn of the party-line saga. Fire away, boys.

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HECTOR: Hello all. Hector here. You should all are well aware that I performed not one but two sex acts, in quick succession, on the same person. One, then the other.

DIRK: One, and then, the other.

HECTOR: I did one sex actmouth and teethand then I did the other one, which was all legs.

STUDIO AUDIENCE: Whoa-oh! Whoa-oh!


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